Life and Relationships

I phoned my father and right at the start of the call he said “so listen to what is going on here.” I heard the excitement in his voice that I had heard other times, it’s awesome to me in a way that few things are.  My heart filled with joy and love for his happiness.  How many people in our lives can touch our heart in that way? And what makes it so with some and not so with others?  It takes me back to being a small child and it also makes me think of my children and how they view me.  Like a lot of people, my parents were larger than life to me when I was a kid.  Also like most people, by the time I was an adolescent I started to see them with their strengths and weaknesses.  As a grown person, I can admire and feel for them on many levels.  Meanwhile I think of my kids’ view of me.  It’s a foreign thing to imagine I’m viewed by my children the way my parents were viewed by me, being that I never feel like a grown up no matter how old I am.  I remember thinking that my parents looked the same in every old photo when I was a kid.  Even if they were ten years old in the photo it seemed the same grown parent I knew was staring back at me in that photo.  It’s been said that life is all about relationships and if you think about it, what would this life be without them? -smilingbug

Death: Part of life but so painful

“You always think you have more time” I told my mother in law.  “No,” she disagreed “not at our age, people have died much younger.”  So sad and undeniably part of being human.  My brother in law recently went through the pain of losing his younger brother, the hurt from that loss unimaginable.  A long time friend in the community passed away recently and it’s still shocking to think he isn’t here.  Death is such a definitive part of life and yet it’s so difficult to reconcile.  Since our aunt passed away last week we have been walking around numb and dazed.  Monday and all of the responsibilities of life called so here we are, pushing on as everyone says “she would want us to do,” and of course as we must.  My Mom said “she was called back to heaven to do other work there” and I think of her having no idea she was about to leave and wonder how that can be.  It is so heart wrenching that she will not be with us that I don’t even want to think about future family time without her.  I know she would want us to have those times, celebrate life and be happy.  Maybe missing her so much is selfish.  Meanwhile believing in our destiny and putting faith in what God has planned for us is everything, so why then does it hurt so much, why aren’t we programmed to have a resistance to this sadness and heartache.  The human condition, I guess, the lessons and growth and reasons we’re here.  My husband said “it’s all part of the journey” but it didn’t make me feel better either.  During the night when I toss and turn, each time waking up and thinking “it’s true, she is gone” I think of the Mom in town who lost her husband unexpectedly last year or the children who went to school at Sandy Hook in December.  So much pain yet such a real part of this life.  My sister says to focus on the beautiful blessings around us and of course this is true, and I am so grateful, but it doesn’t lessen the pain.  She wasn’t my aunt for my life time and yet an amazing, loving person can touch your heart so deeply.  I’m the first to say “appreciate each day” however, the loss weighs a million pounds and it’s on my shoulders, on my neck muscles, behind my sore eyes.  Thinking of the last phone call, the last email, the last letter, why did that have to be the last one, but of course I know the rational reasons.  “My dear—…We leave on Friday—…I wish all of you were going with us—… Much love.” -smilingbug

Every Day a Gift

Every death that I’ve heard of in the last couple of weeks of this year has taken me back a bit because I think to myself “that person was probably planning for 2013, ready for new year’s eve, thinking of 2012 as practically behind us as we prepare for 2013.”  My daughter asked me this morning what age I think I will live to be and I told her no one knows how long we have here.  Tonight my neighbor knocked on our door and I thought it was my husband so I told my daughter to let him in.  Instead she told me to come over and I greeted my nice neighbor Brian with a big smile but what he said turned my face to shock and sadness.  He told me that one of our downstairs neighbors died today while at work.  She was 49 years old, I thought she was younger.  We called her “Pinky” because of her bright pink lipstick colors.  In the summer she was on her road bike daily.  In the winter her skis were outside of her door.  I know we make more noise than she liked but she still smiled at us.  Now every interaction I had with her is coming back to me and I’m sad.  When I stood in shock talking to Brian he said “life is fragile” and it’s a statement that cannot be over used for it is so intensely true.   All I can think of is Pinky not being here anymore, how she left her apartment this morning thinking she would be right back after work.  She rode the bus to work so her car is sitting in it’s spot.  Every day here is a gift. -smilingbug

What Makes Happy People

Every time I’m at that mall I think of the man that took his own life because his restaurant there and other businesses were failing.  He was a father of three and a well known guy in town.  It was a shocking story to read about, he took his life with his car’s exhaust while his family was out of town.  I went to work the following Monday and the program for his funeral was on my employer’s desk.  The back of it was facing up and it was filled with photos of him and his children, one group shot including his wife.  All I could think was how those kids would miss their Dad terribly for the rest of their lives and the pain they must be in.  My heart went out to his wife, she was barely featured in any photos and I wondered if that was a sign that she was really angry with him.  Then there he was in the photos, smiling but how much agony he must have been in to take his own life.  Some will say it’s an act of cowardness but it must be driven by pain.  I have heard that acting out or anger is actually a cry for love.  Judd Apatow posted a link to an article on twitter yesterday about happy people.  He wrote “This is a great article all should read.”  So I clicked on the link and the article is called 15 Things Happy People Do Differently. The list made a lot of sense (I only disagreed a bit with #10 but that’s just me) except I started questioning whether people could consciously live their lives by this list.  It seemed to me that living life by these 15 rules would be inherent in a person’s character and not something that a person could decide to do because they saw this article.  Maybe over many years of conscious effort, practice, occasional error and self correction, a person could behave more in the way this article describes.  But even then I wonder if a person could become less selfish, less critical or more trusting, for example.  There is nature and nurture, one we are born with and the other has been drilled into us by our upbringing, our experiences, our role models.  How much reconditioning and reprogramming would it take to make a person change those ingrained qualities or are some people more apt to intense change?  Meanwhile, after reading Apatow’s suggested article I see links to other articles at the end of the page.  I click on the first in that row and it’s called 12 Scientifically Proven Steps to Happiness.  According to this article one just needs to include twelve broad stroke actions in their life like gratitude and optimism.  To the left of that is a link to an article that advises on 15 things one should give up to be happy. So the list goes on and on.  All of the tips are quite good to reflect on but what about the restaurant owner I recalled at the mall today, could anything help a person in that place?  Everyone is working with the cards they were dealt in this life, trying their best even if their own best is not good at all.  Be compassionate, we’re all part of this human experience. -smilingbug

Sharing is caring

“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” ― Albert Camus

Give Thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day.  I am so happy to be home with my family, not running out the door, not rushing to the bus or practice or lessons.  This is it, this is the best.  Free time with my kids, sleeping in, hanging out together, making menus and arts and crafts, loving life.  The reality for three days… For them: fighting over who cooks what, arguing about the arts and crafts being in the way or the muffins not being browned enough, screaming because they don’t get to spend days at their friend’s house, throwing things at each other when they’re frustrated, being bored, being annoyed, not wanting family time, hitting, swinging, hollering, picking, bickering, critiquing, crying, sitting in front of the computer for hours, staring at their Iphones, banging on doors, slamming doors, whining, screaming, hurting.  For me: up at 5AM with my toddler, up at 6AM with my baby, up at 7AM with a headache, talking, punishing, coping, helping, explaining, refereeing, washing laundry, folding laundry, shopping, unloading, taking a hot shower, taking Advil, coloring my hair, sending them to their room, hugging them, loving them.  For both of us: growing, feeling, healing, loving, hugging, sharing, experiencing, making up, baking, decorating, making crafts, watching funny movies, getting excited about the holiday and the fun it brings.  But “Wow” and that is a Clare Dumphey silent “Wow.”  Today I heard a newscaster say “let us give, let us forgive, let us give thanks” while wrapping up a story.  I look outside of our window and see the beautiful pink sunset sky.  I look around my home and I see my family I adore.  I remember the sadness for people who are ill, the violence in Gaza, the suffering in hospitals, the real misery for people in bad situations around the world.  Then I remember what Gloria said when we were laughing our pants off watching Grown Ups last night:

”Life can be difficult sometimes, it gets bumpy. What with family and kids and things not going exactly like you planned. But that’s what makes it interesting. In life the first act is always exciting. The second act… that is where the depth comes in.”

So “let us give, let us forgive, let us give thanks.”  Thank you. -smilingbug

Little Joys

I looked out of the window yesterday and saw the bus pulling up to the stop at the bottom of our hill.  I grabbed my keys and pulled my jacket on as I was dashing out of the door.  Other than a quick drive, I had been inside for days…caring for little kids, making beds, washing and folding laundry, cleaning dishes, all of the routine tasks that any person running a household does day to day.  All of a sudden I was running at full speed in the winter air and all of my surroundings seemed pronounced.  The cold air going into my lungs took me back to runs in physical ed class when I was required to run even if it hurt.  I looked down on the pavement and tried to step on dry areas so not to slip on black ice or snow.  My mind said “thank you for everything in this life, thank you for this cold air, the snowy pavement, the entire world around me” as I took a big breath in and smiled.  -smilingbug

Treat Everyone with Respect

A person I once worked for has an autistic son. I am not too familiar with autism but I believe her son is considered severely autistic. Thanks to technology he is able to communicate on a letter board. It’s amazing to see because during the years that I was around him he did not communicate much. When prompted to answer a question he only made an audible noise some of the time. Those noises he uttered were words to his family and caretaker because they knew what he was trying to say. Now this amazing teenage boy who has dealt with years of challenges– challenges in daily life like just being a part of a school or participating in sports– is writing out his thoughts. Thoughts that we never would have known he even had without a letter board. A blog that he wrote actually inspired me to start my own wordpress and the specific post that moved me was one that said “The best thing about this world is the people in it. Remember to always treat each other with love and respect. We live for such a short time, let’s really have an impact while we are here.” Incredibly inspiring to think that these type of wise and profound thoughts are going on in a brain belonging to a person who until recently had limited communication. What an astounding world we live in. One filled with ecstatic joy, unimaginable sadness and everything in between. -smilingbug

Hello world!

So this is blogging…hmm.